For sons and daughters...
Coming out can be scary. It’s hard to know what you will find on the other side of the closet door. .. what attitudes you will find... and whether you will be accepted or not. Coming out to parents can be even scarier. No matter what age you are, your parent’s opinion of you likely carries a lot of weight. But I hope you know that Jesus already knew you were gay. In fact he likely knew before you did! And He loves you just as your are.
With this website I join with the voices of many others who want to help you with this important step in your journey. Realize that there is no one right way to come out. There are many different approaches. Ultimately you know your parents best so you will need to determine which approach works best in your unique situation.
My approach to this is a bit different than others. My focus is on better understanding one another and on reconciliation for families regardless of whether everyone believes the same thing or not. And I seek to correct misinformation in this area. So, to that end, I also have a page on this site for parents to help them in this. Since I don't know your parents my approach with them assumes that their knowledge in this area is limited, and that they may have been misinformed on some things. So, I try to meet your parents where they may be in their beliefs.
As for you, I hope you know in your heart that Jesus truly does love you. Despite what you may have heard from others He is not upset with you or angry with you for being gay. He has not rejected you. Jesus loves you as you are and will not leave you or forsake you in this journey. He knew this time would come and I believe He has been working in your parent's hearts and minds just as He has been working in your heart and mind. I don't know how much time you have spent thinking through all of this .. Some of what follows may be things you have already worked through .. other things I share may be new to you.
But before I share anything else, here is a video I hope you enjoy.
With this website I join with the voices of many others who want to help you with this important step in your journey. Realize that there is no one right way to come out. There are many different approaches. Ultimately you know your parents best so you will need to determine which approach works best in your unique situation.
My approach to this is a bit different than others. My focus is on better understanding one another and on reconciliation for families regardless of whether everyone believes the same thing or not. And I seek to correct misinformation in this area. So, to that end, I also have a page on this site for parents to help them in this. Since I don't know your parents my approach with them assumes that their knowledge in this area is limited, and that they may have been misinformed on some things. So, I try to meet your parents where they may be in their beliefs.
As for you, I hope you know in your heart that Jesus truly does love you. Despite what you may have heard from others He is not upset with you or angry with you for being gay. He has not rejected you. Jesus loves you as you are and will not leave you or forsake you in this journey. He knew this time would come and I believe He has been working in your parent's hearts and minds just as He has been working in your heart and mind. I don't know how much time you have spent thinking through all of this .. Some of what follows may be things you have already worked through .. other things I share may be new to you.
But before I share anything else, here is a video I hope you enjoy.
(Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications Copyright 1999-2013 www.FathersLoveLetter.com ) (Also available on youtube)
Well I hope you found that video to be encouraging. Be assured that God loves you just as you are. You are not a mistake that needs fixed. You are not broken or sinful just because you are gay. God loves you. He formed you and shaped you in your mother’s womb and He cares about you. Our heavenly Father loves us, gay or straight and wants us to be part of His family through salvation in Jesus Christ. He has a plan and purpose for each one of us. I hope you know and realize how much God loves you just as you are and that you can truly rest in the security of His loving arms.
With this as a foundation let’s talk a bit more about coming out. Though you can’t really control how your loved one or parent will respond to your news you can make plans and prepare yourself for when you do come out. With his in mind here are some things you can do...
1. Take time to pray
Pray that God will give you the strength for this. Pray that he will guide you and direct you. Pray that He will work in advance in the heart of your parent or loved one. Pray that he will put people in your path and in your parent's path that will help in all of this. And pray that He will give you the patience you will need as your loved one(s) hears and works through your news.
2. Try to understand your parents and anticipate how they may respond.
Consider your parents... how they think... how they feel... what they believe... and what you may expect from them. I can’t say exactly what is on their minds or how they personally will respond to your news. You know them best. But I can talk about parents in general. Your parents have likely spent their entire life raising you. In the early years of your life they did many things for you. They celebrated your first steps… and your first words. They made sure you got to school on time. They may have helped you with your homework. They rejoiced at every step of progress you made. They spent time with you in many other ways. They held you close when you were scared or hurting. They laughed with you when you were happy. They may have cried with you when you were sad. All along they carried in their hearts their hopes, dreams, and expectations for you.
As you moved into your teenage years you may have experienced (or are experiencing) some friction with them. The teen years up though the young adult years (and sometimes beyond) are a time for parents to gradually let you go and set you free to live your life… the life that God has for you. This is a process. Some of us as parents have a harder time letting go of our children than others. And we continue to have hopes and expectations for our children even when they are adults. Often our hopes and expectations need to adapt to the choices and direction that our children take. So it is likely that your parents have in their hearts and minds... a picture of your future that likely includes: financial security... getting married... dreamy images of your wedding day... and... future grandchildren. Your coming out will change what that picture looks like in their minds. This can be very hard for parents to adapt to.
Along with this they are likely to be concerned for how their church family will respond to you once you come out. They may be worried that your / their church family will not be accepting of you. Fair or not they may feel that they are personally to blame for your orientation. Unfortunately, there are people out there who are all too quick to help them in this blame. It’s not true of course... you are who you are... but your parents may need some time to realize this. They also may have some misinformed views of gay folks in general. Unfortunately there are some ministries out there that carry the name of Christ who may have fed them bad information. Your parents may assume you are sexually active and be worried about your health. Or they may fear the so-called ‘homosexual agenda’. And they may be fearful for your salvation. They may be afraid of talking to anyone about this for fear the person they confide in will spill the beans on what they know.
These are some of the fears your parents may have. Be aware that these fears may be expressed as anger when you come out. Anger is a response to a real or perceived threat. So, if your parents do show some anger when you share your news, it’s important to look beyond their anger and see that there is likely a real and genuine concern for you. And while their initial reaction to your news may be less than what you hope for it’s good to remember that their initial reaction (particularly if it is bad) is likely not the last word they will have on this. So by understanding all of this it can help you to not respond in anger.
To further understand what you can expect I would refer you to this brochure by Out Proud of Philadelphia. This brochure is well written and gives you specific stages that parents go through when their son or daughter comes out.
3. Learn the various moral positions you may encounter when you come out
It is helpful to learn in advance the various positions or responses you might encounter. Gay and lesbian Christian folks just like you reconcile their orientation and their faith in different ways. I think we all know that the church has not always done well in conversing in this area. So your parents may not have a good example to follow in knowing how to talk to you. In order to help the conversation several websites such as Bridges-Across the Divide and the Gay Christian Network GCN have developed some unique terminology. These websites have given these moral / theological positions terms such as Side A Side B and so forth. Here are some of these belief perspectives using their terms…
Side A: This is the belief that same gender individuals can have a romantic sexual relationship together typically in a committed relationship akin to heterosexual marriage.
If this is the view of you and your parents you will likely have little trouble coming out to them. This would be rather rare.
Side B: This is the belief that a person can embrace / accept same sex attractions and / or gay identity but that same gender sexual relationships are not what God wants. Gay folks who believe this either live a celibate life or may be in a heterosexual marriage (sometimes called a mixed orientation marriage).
If this is the view of your parents you will likely have some challenges here (assuming you believe differently) especially if you are in a relationship. They may have trouble accepting your partner (if you have one). Even if your follow Side B beliefs your parents may think you should go further... into a more Side X view... (see below)
Side C: Folks who are Side C are either not sure what they believe about Side A or Side B or they are unwillingly to say what they believe for whatever reasons.
If this is where you are right now you can expect your parents, friends, and church to put significant pressure on you to embrace a particular view. (They also may do this regardless of your viewpoint) So you may want to work to be sure of yourself and what you believe particularly if you encounter the view that follows...
Side X: This is the belief that same sex attractions are wrong or bad in and of themselves. People who believe this typically seek to change their orientation. They also typically refuse to call themselves “gay”. They often rely on outdated psychological ideas. One such idea is that their same sex attractions are tied to and caused by an emotional disconnect with one of their parents. But, in truth, both gay and straight folks have experienced both loving and unloving families so there really is no connection here. Another outdated idea is that homosexuality is caused by abuse, but again... straight people have also experienced abuse and it did not cause them to be gay. I would most definitely discourage you from following any counsel that seeks to change or fix your orientation. Be aware that some churches and parents may assume this to be the best course and may insist or pressure you to go to counseling. They may do this even if you are Side B.
Note that unlike the other positions we have discussed thus far, this is the only one that challenges a person’s gay identity or attractions in and of themselves. You may encounter this type of challenge to your identity /attractions. This is a challenging view to overcome. It is important to note that the bible does not address gay identity or same gender attractions but your parents / loved ones may not have thought this through especially if they are straight. Remember you have been thinking about this for a long time. They may not have had any reasons to think about it. Whether your parents have this view and how strongly they hold to it will depend on what teachings they have been exposed to. Even without those teachings they may assume that this is just a phase you are going through or they may try to get you into counseling to try to change this. Now professional counselors do not typically subscribe to orientation change methods. But there are other counselors that might. So you need to be aware of this. See this page for the views of several professional organizations on orientation change counseling. For a better understanding of the pitfalls of orientation change ministries see this page.
In looking at these viewpoints above you will want to determine which viewpoint most lines up with your own. If your parents are conservative then they will most likely line up with Side B or perhaps Side X. I cover the basic theology for Side A / Side B on this page.
4. Learn to be gracious when / if challenged with different viewpoints
Ask yourself if you are prepared to graciously respond to viewpoints other than your own. If the idea of confronting these viewpoints is disturbing to you (and it’s certainly OK if it is) you may want to take more time to become more confident in what you believe before you come out. There are several ways you can prepare yourself. You can (continue to) pray for God’s help. You can spend time on the Gay Christian Network forum where people who are gay Side A and gay Side B do coexist. Though most people there are at odds with those who are Side X, those who embrace Side A and Side B beliefs are typically able to embrace each other despite differences of biblical viewpoint. I am especially recommending the Gay Christian Network because it is a Christian fellowship where you can find encouragement and direction. Here is a link to the parents, family and friends portion of the website. You do not have to be a member to view the conversations.
Tony and Peggy Campolo are an example of a Christian couple with differing views but a common non-condemning love for lgbt folks like you. You might find it helpful to listen to the talk they give. Their lectures can be found in audio form at this link. Additionally, it might be helpful down the road for your parents to hear their talk. This would have several advantages. First of all your parents would hear both views. Secondly they would have some assurance in knowing you have looked at both views. Thirdly they would see that two people can exist together in the same household who has differing views. And finally, referring them to both sides of the debate will at least give your parents a place to land that they can feel comfortable. It is my hope that even if you and your parents do not agree with you on everything that you will still be able to embrace and continue to love one another.
5. Choose a good time to come out.
If you are financially dependent on your parents and you are unsure of their reaction you may want to wait until you are more independent. Also, if your family is going through stress or if someone is sick and in the hospital then coming out at this time would not be wise. Holidays are not always the best time either. It is best to choose a time when things are calm and you really have time to talk with your parents without interruptions or distractions.
6. See if there is a mutual friend your parents respect who accepts you
Is there anyone you can refer them to that can help them in this journey of understanding you ... i.e. a support group or a supportive friend? This would be someone they respect that you are already ‘out’ with who treats you with respect. If you know of such a person you may want to have them nearby to help your parents after they receive your news. You may want to talk to them first to see how they feel your parents will respond if / when you come out to them...
Choose wisely here. Be aware that people (and resources) that you might be perfectly fine with may not work well for your parents. You want to choose resources and people that they trust... that hold to similar beliefs. For an example of the journey your parents may take see Shelley’s journey in our journey section. As a mom it took some time for her to move from a Side X / orientation change viewpoint to a gracious and even affirming viewpoint. A big factor in this was that someone she trusted showed her a different way to look at her son’s orientation
7. Have a support group for yourself.
Make sure to have a support group that will pray with you, and be there for you during this time. If you don’t have a support group I would again recommend the GCN website. These folks are just like you. They are Christians. They are gay. And many of them have come out to their parents or friends. Additionally there are parents on that site who have gone there for help when their children came out to them. They can give you some good advice as well.
8. Have reasonable expectations
It can hurt when expectations are not fulfilled. Your parent's expectations for your future will be changed with this news. Your expectations for how they will receive this news may not be met at first. So for both you and your parents there may be some feelings of disappointment. A good question to ask is yourself is: Is what I am expecting reasonable based on who my parents are? I would be careful not to set my expectations too high. It has probably taken many years for you to come to terms with your orientation. So to expect your parents to come to terms with it the first time you talk to them about it is probably not likely. It would be good to keep this in mind before you approach them. You also may not want to give them the whole ball of wax at once. Finding out you are gay may be more than enough for them to process. Expecting them to joyfully receive your 'significant other' (if you have one) may be over the top for them at this time.
9. Make sure your first concern is for your parents to understand you
Although I have spent some time talking about theology and the sides... make sure your first concern is that your parents understand you... your journey ... your struggles... your fears... your love for Christ... your love for them ... your desire to be genuine with them. Even if your parent’s reaction is stale at first... they still love you. Deep down they want to understand you. But for those of us who are straight... this is not always easy for us to do. To help your parents understand your journey I especially recommend the DVD; Through My Eyes (see trailer below)... It is very helpful in showing straight folks like your parents what life is like for folks like yourself who are gay.
Well I hope you found that video to be encouraging. Be assured that God loves you just as you are. You are not a mistake that needs fixed. You are not broken or sinful just because you are gay. God loves you. He formed you and shaped you in your mother’s womb and He cares about you. Our heavenly Father loves us, gay or straight and wants us to be part of His family through salvation in Jesus Christ. He has a plan and purpose for each one of us. I hope you know and realize how much God loves you just as you are and that you can truly rest in the security of His loving arms.
With this as a foundation let’s talk a bit more about coming out. Though you can’t really control how your loved one or parent will respond to your news you can make plans and prepare yourself for when you do come out. With his in mind here are some things you can do...
1. Take time to pray
Pray that God will give you the strength for this. Pray that he will guide you and direct you. Pray that He will work in advance in the heart of your parent or loved one. Pray that he will put people in your path and in your parent's path that will help in all of this. And pray that He will give you the patience you will need as your loved one(s) hears and works through your news.
2. Try to understand your parents and anticipate how they may respond.
Consider your parents... how they think... how they feel... what they believe... and what you may expect from them. I can’t say exactly what is on their minds or how they personally will respond to your news. You know them best. But I can talk about parents in general. Your parents have likely spent their entire life raising you. In the early years of your life they did many things for you. They celebrated your first steps… and your first words. They made sure you got to school on time. They may have helped you with your homework. They rejoiced at every step of progress you made. They spent time with you in many other ways. They held you close when you were scared or hurting. They laughed with you when you were happy. They may have cried with you when you were sad. All along they carried in their hearts their hopes, dreams, and expectations for you.
As you moved into your teenage years you may have experienced (or are experiencing) some friction with them. The teen years up though the young adult years (and sometimes beyond) are a time for parents to gradually let you go and set you free to live your life… the life that God has for you. This is a process. Some of us as parents have a harder time letting go of our children than others. And we continue to have hopes and expectations for our children even when they are adults. Often our hopes and expectations need to adapt to the choices and direction that our children take. So it is likely that your parents have in their hearts and minds... a picture of your future that likely includes: financial security... getting married... dreamy images of your wedding day... and... future grandchildren. Your coming out will change what that picture looks like in their minds. This can be very hard for parents to adapt to.
Along with this they are likely to be concerned for how their church family will respond to you once you come out. They may be worried that your / their church family will not be accepting of you. Fair or not they may feel that they are personally to blame for your orientation. Unfortunately, there are people out there who are all too quick to help them in this blame. It’s not true of course... you are who you are... but your parents may need some time to realize this. They also may have some misinformed views of gay folks in general. Unfortunately there are some ministries out there that carry the name of Christ who may have fed them bad information. Your parents may assume you are sexually active and be worried about your health. Or they may fear the so-called ‘homosexual agenda’. And they may be fearful for your salvation. They may be afraid of talking to anyone about this for fear the person they confide in will spill the beans on what they know.
These are some of the fears your parents may have. Be aware that these fears may be expressed as anger when you come out. Anger is a response to a real or perceived threat. So, if your parents do show some anger when you share your news, it’s important to look beyond their anger and see that there is likely a real and genuine concern for you. And while their initial reaction to your news may be less than what you hope for it’s good to remember that their initial reaction (particularly if it is bad) is likely not the last word they will have on this. So by understanding all of this it can help you to not respond in anger.
To further understand what you can expect I would refer you to this brochure by Out Proud of Philadelphia. This brochure is well written and gives you specific stages that parents go through when their son or daughter comes out.
3. Learn the various moral positions you may encounter when you come out
It is helpful to learn in advance the various positions or responses you might encounter. Gay and lesbian Christian folks just like you reconcile their orientation and their faith in different ways. I think we all know that the church has not always done well in conversing in this area. So your parents may not have a good example to follow in knowing how to talk to you. In order to help the conversation several websites such as Bridges-Across the Divide and the Gay Christian Network GCN have developed some unique terminology. These websites have given these moral / theological positions terms such as Side A Side B and so forth. Here are some of these belief perspectives using their terms…
Side A: This is the belief that same gender individuals can have a romantic sexual relationship together typically in a committed relationship akin to heterosexual marriage.
If this is the view of you and your parents you will likely have little trouble coming out to them. This would be rather rare.
Side B: This is the belief that a person can embrace / accept same sex attractions and / or gay identity but that same gender sexual relationships are not what God wants. Gay folks who believe this either live a celibate life or may be in a heterosexual marriage (sometimes called a mixed orientation marriage).
If this is the view of your parents you will likely have some challenges here (assuming you believe differently) especially if you are in a relationship. They may have trouble accepting your partner (if you have one). Even if your follow Side B beliefs your parents may think you should go further... into a more Side X view... (see below)
Side C: Folks who are Side C are either not sure what they believe about Side A or Side B or they are unwillingly to say what they believe for whatever reasons.
If this is where you are right now you can expect your parents, friends, and church to put significant pressure on you to embrace a particular view. (They also may do this regardless of your viewpoint) So you may want to work to be sure of yourself and what you believe particularly if you encounter the view that follows...
Side X: This is the belief that same sex attractions are wrong or bad in and of themselves. People who believe this typically seek to change their orientation. They also typically refuse to call themselves “gay”. They often rely on outdated psychological ideas. One such idea is that their same sex attractions are tied to and caused by an emotional disconnect with one of their parents. But, in truth, both gay and straight folks have experienced both loving and unloving families so there really is no connection here. Another outdated idea is that homosexuality is caused by abuse, but again... straight people have also experienced abuse and it did not cause them to be gay. I would most definitely discourage you from following any counsel that seeks to change or fix your orientation. Be aware that some churches and parents may assume this to be the best course and may insist or pressure you to go to counseling. They may do this even if you are Side B.
Note that unlike the other positions we have discussed thus far, this is the only one that challenges a person’s gay identity or attractions in and of themselves. You may encounter this type of challenge to your identity /attractions. This is a challenging view to overcome. It is important to note that the bible does not address gay identity or same gender attractions but your parents / loved ones may not have thought this through especially if they are straight. Remember you have been thinking about this for a long time. They may not have had any reasons to think about it. Whether your parents have this view and how strongly they hold to it will depend on what teachings they have been exposed to. Even without those teachings they may assume that this is just a phase you are going through or they may try to get you into counseling to try to change this. Now professional counselors do not typically subscribe to orientation change methods. But there are other counselors that might. So you need to be aware of this. See this page for the views of several professional organizations on orientation change counseling. For a better understanding of the pitfalls of orientation change ministries see this page.
In looking at these viewpoints above you will want to determine which viewpoint most lines up with your own. If your parents are conservative then they will most likely line up with Side B or perhaps Side X. I cover the basic theology for Side A / Side B on this page.
4. Learn to be gracious when / if challenged with different viewpoints
Ask yourself if you are prepared to graciously respond to viewpoints other than your own. If the idea of confronting these viewpoints is disturbing to you (and it’s certainly OK if it is) you may want to take more time to become more confident in what you believe before you come out. There are several ways you can prepare yourself. You can (continue to) pray for God’s help. You can spend time on the Gay Christian Network forum where people who are gay Side A and gay Side B do coexist. Though most people there are at odds with those who are Side X, those who embrace Side A and Side B beliefs are typically able to embrace each other despite differences of biblical viewpoint. I am especially recommending the Gay Christian Network because it is a Christian fellowship where you can find encouragement and direction. Here is a link to the parents, family and friends portion of the website. You do not have to be a member to view the conversations.
Tony and Peggy Campolo are an example of a Christian couple with differing views but a common non-condemning love for lgbt folks like you. You might find it helpful to listen to the talk they give. Their lectures can be found in audio form at this link. Additionally, it might be helpful down the road for your parents to hear their talk. This would have several advantages. First of all your parents would hear both views. Secondly they would have some assurance in knowing you have looked at both views. Thirdly they would see that two people can exist together in the same household who has differing views. And finally, referring them to both sides of the debate will at least give your parents a place to land that they can feel comfortable. It is my hope that even if you and your parents do not agree with you on everything that you will still be able to embrace and continue to love one another.
5. Choose a good time to come out.
If you are financially dependent on your parents and you are unsure of their reaction you may want to wait until you are more independent. Also, if your family is going through stress or if someone is sick and in the hospital then coming out at this time would not be wise. Holidays are not always the best time either. It is best to choose a time when things are calm and you really have time to talk with your parents without interruptions or distractions.
6. See if there is a mutual friend your parents respect who accepts you
Is there anyone you can refer them to that can help them in this journey of understanding you ... i.e. a support group or a supportive friend? This would be someone they respect that you are already ‘out’ with who treats you with respect. If you know of such a person you may want to have them nearby to help your parents after they receive your news. You may want to talk to them first to see how they feel your parents will respond if / when you come out to them...
Choose wisely here. Be aware that people (and resources) that you might be perfectly fine with may not work well for your parents. You want to choose resources and people that they trust... that hold to similar beliefs. For an example of the journey your parents may take see Shelley’s journey in our journey section. As a mom it took some time for her to move from a Side X / orientation change viewpoint to a gracious and even affirming viewpoint. A big factor in this was that someone she trusted showed her a different way to look at her son’s orientation
7. Have a support group for yourself.
Make sure to have a support group that will pray with you, and be there for you during this time. If you don’t have a support group I would again recommend the GCN website. These folks are just like you. They are Christians. They are gay. And many of them have come out to their parents or friends. Additionally there are parents on that site who have gone there for help when their children came out to them. They can give you some good advice as well.
8. Have reasonable expectations
It can hurt when expectations are not fulfilled. Your parent's expectations for your future will be changed with this news. Your expectations for how they will receive this news may not be met at first. So for both you and your parents there may be some feelings of disappointment. A good question to ask is yourself is: Is what I am expecting reasonable based on who my parents are? I would be careful not to set my expectations too high. It has probably taken many years for you to come to terms with your orientation. So to expect your parents to come to terms with it the first time you talk to them about it is probably not likely. It would be good to keep this in mind before you approach them. You also may not want to give them the whole ball of wax at once. Finding out you are gay may be more than enough for them to process. Expecting them to joyfully receive your 'significant other' (if you have one) may be over the top for them at this time.
9. Make sure your first concern is for your parents to understand you
Although I have spent some time talking about theology and the sides... make sure your first concern is that your parents understand you... your journey ... your struggles... your fears... your love for Christ... your love for them ... your desire to be genuine with them. Even if your parent’s reaction is stale at first... they still love you. Deep down they want to understand you. But for those of us who are straight... this is not always easy for us to do. To help your parents understand your journey I especially recommend the DVD; Through My Eyes (see trailer below)... It is very helpful in showing straight folks like your parents what life is like for folks like yourself who are gay.
(Available from Amazon here)
Even if things don't go
well at first be strong and courageous and hold steady to your faith in Jesus
Christ. He will never leave you nor forsake you. I know of many
families who have turned around from their initial (stale) reaction. It
just takes some families more time than others. I wish you well in your
journey and I hope you have found this site helpful. If you have any
questions feel free to contact me.
God bless,
Dave
God bless,
Dave