Shelley's Journey
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the 30 plus years I’ve been walking with the Lord, It is how much I don’t know and how much I have to learn. The Lord has been relentless in breaking down the neat little boxed packages I keep trying to put Him (and my theology) in. I came to Christ in a very conservative, fundamentalist fellowship and during those early years I thought I had it all figured out. It seems the Lord has been mercifully challenging my rigid thinking ever since.
In 2004, when I discovered my then 20 year old son was gay, I was not at all prepared to cope with a challenge so so great. The only words I had ever heard in the same sentence as homosexual were words like abomination, hell, and destruction! I was devastated. After weeks of depression, I had a nervous breakdown as I tried to grapple with the ramifications of it all. Mike was gay!! How could that be?! We hadn’t a clue all his growing up years! We talked with Mike for hours, scouring over his past – what had happened to make him gay?! Mike told us that it wasn’t his choice to be gay, he just was, and that nothing we had done made him that way. I was inconsolable. If it wasn’t a choice how could God be so condemning of it!? My husband and I went to counseling where we were told that our parenting was partly to blame. The counselor suggested I distance myself from Mike and encouraged my husband to spend more time with him. I knew we weren’t the perfect parents, but, wow, if our parenting had caused this, then I figured there should be a whole lot more gays out there, including our other son! We read books and went to meetings, most of them encouraging us to pray Mike straight and consider ex gay therapy. We so wanted to believe Mike could be “cured”, mostly because he was not a Christian and I saw his homosexuality as an almost insurmountable obstacle in the way of his salvation. I spent months in a fog trying to put the pieces of this impossible puzzle together.
Months turned into years as I prayed and prayed that God would “do the Impossible” in Mike’s life. I even prayed God would bring a “godly wife” into his life. Maybe he would discover some latent heterosexual desires that would drown out those gay tendencies. I had lots of talks, arguments really, with God in prayer. I had more questions than answers, but one thing I was becoming quite convinced of was that Mike really had not chosen his sexual orientation. Watching what he went through, I knew no one would choose that. For months he had made us promise to keep his secret, fearing his straight friends would disown him. He didn’t even want his own brother and sister to know. When he finally let the truth out some years later, I saw firsthand how it rearranged his life. It was not easy. In the political social scene I saw his disappointment as he and his gay friends encountered so much animosity as they struggled for gay rights. The frenzy over Prop 8 only widened the gap between us, as we could not sympathize with him in the debate. No, I was sure he hadn’t chosen this anymore than I had chosen to be heterosexual. Still I wondered, choice or no choice, was it something he could be healed of? Could exgay therapy work? I prayed the Lord would bring me into contact with gays (or ex gays) who loved the Lord and had found some answers in their lives. I contemplated contacting these ministries or searching the web, but I seemed paralyzed to take the steps. I was afraid, of what I’m not sure, except maybe of compromising my faith. Yes, I was really afraid of that.
In 2009, after five years of hoping and praying, Mike was still unsaved and as gay as ever. I decided to make 2009 a year of concerted prayer for Mike. I invited all my friends and family to join me in committing to pray for him. The first thing that happened that year was that Mike met a guy and began dating him. It wasn’t looking good, but I was not thwarted in my prayer for him. Months passed as I continued to pray that God, Who is the Great Interrupter, would do just that in Mike’s life. November rolled around and still nothing. Then one day, we were invited to an event where we were to connect with many of our dear longtime friends, all whom I respected for their godly example. As we met and did some catching up, talking about our kids and such, we mentioned that our son Mike was gay. The response we got from one of our dear friends was very unexpected! She asked how we thought our son had come to be gay! No admonition to pray for his deliverance! No encouragement to get him into exgay ministry! Then she directed us to a website called Musings on Christianity, Homosexuality and the Bible. I was so intrigued; I wasted no time getting onto the site when I got home.
That was the day God began to open my eyes! I devoured the website and the links. To my amazement, I met many godly Christians, both straight and gay, who helped me understand the dilemma of finding yourself same sex attracted in a world of misunderstanding and prejudice. I have learned so much from my Christian friends who happen to be gay. I have read about many of their struggles to “be healed” and finally accepting their same sex attraction and surrendering it all to Him. I have been humbled by their godly desire to please and serve the Lord, even at great personal cost. I no longer use terms like “the gay lifestyle” or the “homosexual agenda”. My perspective has been changed and so has my husband’s! We are on this journey together and trusting God to give us wisdom and His heart for the gay community. I thank God that He is the Great Interrupter and that He has interrupted my life.
In 2004, when I discovered my then 20 year old son was gay, I was not at all prepared to cope with a challenge so so great. The only words I had ever heard in the same sentence as homosexual were words like abomination, hell, and destruction! I was devastated. After weeks of depression, I had a nervous breakdown as I tried to grapple with the ramifications of it all. Mike was gay!! How could that be?! We hadn’t a clue all his growing up years! We talked with Mike for hours, scouring over his past – what had happened to make him gay?! Mike told us that it wasn’t his choice to be gay, he just was, and that nothing we had done made him that way. I was inconsolable. If it wasn’t a choice how could God be so condemning of it!? My husband and I went to counseling where we were told that our parenting was partly to blame. The counselor suggested I distance myself from Mike and encouraged my husband to spend more time with him. I knew we weren’t the perfect parents, but, wow, if our parenting had caused this, then I figured there should be a whole lot more gays out there, including our other son! We read books and went to meetings, most of them encouraging us to pray Mike straight and consider ex gay therapy. We so wanted to believe Mike could be “cured”, mostly because he was not a Christian and I saw his homosexuality as an almost insurmountable obstacle in the way of his salvation. I spent months in a fog trying to put the pieces of this impossible puzzle together.
Months turned into years as I prayed and prayed that God would “do the Impossible” in Mike’s life. I even prayed God would bring a “godly wife” into his life. Maybe he would discover some latent heterosexual desires that would drown out those gay tendencies. I had lots of talks, arguments really, with God in prayer. I had more questions than answers, but one thing I was becoming quite convinced of was that Mike really had not chosen his sexual orientation. Watching what he went through, I knew no one would choose that. For months he had made us promise to keep his secret, fearing his straight friends would disown him. He didn’t even want his own brother and sister to know. When he finally let the truth out some years later, I saw firsthand how it rearranged his life. It was not easy. In the political social scene I saw his disappointment as he and his gay friends encountered so much animosity as they struggled for gay rights. The frenzy over Prop 8 only widened the gap between us, as we could not sympathize with him in the debate. No, I was sure he hadn’t chosen this anymore than I had chosen to be heterosexual. Still I wondered, choice or no choice, was it something he could be healed of? Could exgay therapy work? I prayed the Lord would bring me into contact with gays (or ex gays) who loved the Lord and had found some answers in their lives. I contemplated contacting these ministries or searching the web, but I seemed paralyzed to take the steps. I was afraid, of what I’m not sure, except maybe of compromising my faith. Yes, I was really afraid of that.
In 2009, after five years of hoping and praying, Mike was still unsaved and as gay as ever. I decided to make 2009 a year of concerted prayer for Mike. I invited all my friends and family to join me in committing to pray for him. The first thing that happened that year was that Mike met a guy and began dating him. It wasn’t looking good, but I was not thwarted in my prayer for him. Months passed as I continued to pray that God, Who is the Great Interrupter, would do just that in Mike’s life. November rolled around and still nothing. Then one day, we were invited to an event where we were to connect with many of our dear longtime friends, all whom I respected for their godly example. As we met and did some catching up, talking about our kids and such, we mentioned that our son Mike was gay. The response we got from one of our dear friends was very unexpected! She asked how we thought our son had come to be gay! No admonition to pray for his deliverance! No encouragement to get him into exgay ministry! Then she directed us to a website called Musings on Christianity, Homosexuality and the Bible. I was so intrigued; I wasted no time getting onto the site when I got home.
That was the day God began to open my eyes! I devoured the website and the links. To my amazement, I met many godly Christians, both straight and gay, who helped me understand the dilemma of finding yourself same sex attracted in a world of misunderstanding and prejudice. I have learned so much from my Christian friends who happen to be gay. I have read about many of their struggles to “be healed” and finally accepting their same sex attraction and surrendering it all to Him. I have been humbled by their godly desire to please and serve the Lord, even at great personal cost. I no longer use terms like “the gay lifestyle” or the “homosexual agenda”. My perspective has been changed and so has my husband’s! We are on this journey together and trusting God to give us wisdom and His heart for the gay community. I thank God that He is the Great Interrupter and that He has interrupted my life.